a silent scream...

I AM A QUESTION,SEARCHING FOR AN ANSWER,
A BEAT,WAITING FOR A DANCER.

wondering why...

24thjune.
can life,treat you so harshly at times?
u would say,its testing me,n preparing me 2 bare hardships
n exel,wid cconfidence.
i am so scared...so damn scared of telling,
wat feeling is lingering over me,entering n re-entering me with
greater force....i am scared of saying..."i am scared".
is it really that hard?...
am asphixiated wid thoughts of future/thoughts ofwhy people
never see me,for what i am......dey never really try u noe!...
my current problems:
1.wat am i going to do,wid myself?
2.ppl,hu r tryin dere best 2 stain my name
n obsessed wid my remaing a virgin,or loosing it.
3.havin trusted sum ppl,too much.
4.a big tym liar,whom i cant deny as a friend...but its d worst case.
5.no source of support 4m ne1,having 2 trouble myself.
6.being blamed by ol.
7.concrete studies,wich r repeatedly refused by my brain!
8.somethin.-i loose it,i'll loose pretty much.

a small miracle,would have been good,in order 2 enhance my selfconfidence...n lift up my spirits.I'LL MAKE IT HAPPEN.

CUDNT flush it down!

19th n 20th of may.11:23pm n 1:05am.black dimond-skiing thru my ears,inevitably bringin an overwhelmin sensation over my tired body.am bad at xpressin wat i really feel(seldom,is my feelin-real..n nawt sumthin related 2 stark-un-real)...am good at "over-xpressin"myself.i cud've done wid a tequila shot.my"mostly"relaxed mind's troubling me now.icse results-TOMORROW.THE 20TH!"heyhh....how d fuck do i care....or should i care?gimme a break....i dunn giv a damn,get ITT?"-dats how i adress,remarx lyk"reults,tomorrow...feelin tensed,eh?"....but hell,i do kindoff care.....juss 4 d sake of my parents...i dunn wanna let dem down....its olways been lyk...in my family,ppl hav been comparin me n framin my faults as iv dey wer certificates....2 discuss bout n point it out 2 each oder,later....wen am,out of their earshot!.....SCREW....ITTT!!!!AM KINDA TENSED....BUT I KNOW I'LL SUCCEED....I HAV2.....I BLIV IN MIRACLES,SO.....GOD IF I HAVENT GIVEN A PROPER XAM...I STILL XPECT 2 GET GOOD RESULTS....DONT LET,MA BABA N DIDI...N MOST IMPORTANTLY-ME...DOWN.I BLIEVE,DAT I HAVVVVV DONE WELL....YESSSS,I HAV!
Had a talk wid tedz 2day,a frank talk....i've been wantin 4 ages......i wanted him know,wat has been goin on btwn zu n me!he xpressd ol dat i wanted 2 tell myself.he had no right 2 drag me away 4m rukz...wen he himself is juss similar 2 him........its lyk dat...d hol wurld's d sem....ppl...juss cant be mere friends....we crave 4 sum1 2 hold on 2...sum1....2 lean on.....sum1 hu mex us feel secured....sum1 hu'll come runin if v need him.....n sum1 hu promises 2 tek "our love" 2 d end ov tym,evn in d darkest nyt.................its mere SELFISHNESS.....FOOLERY.................ITS NOTHIN.........lust brings us down....nd mex us 4get--dat friendshipp is hell,more important.


gonna lissen 2 nytwish,now.....currently am addicted 2 their female vocalist's-gothic-opera-oriented voice.....white night fantasy.........oooooooooooooooo........amaranth.....maddening........---"u believe,but wat u see?u recieve,but wat u give"?......I STILL BELIVE...N HELL,I GIVE AWAY....LOADS..MOSTLY,ITS MY PAPER HEART,WHICH FLIES OF 2 ODERS!



20th.got OVER WITH IT.THE MIRACLE DIDNT HAPPEN!!!!.......!FUCK.....I SCREWD IT UPP.....BIGGGG TYM!
SOWIE.....EXPECTATORS!!!

the relations remains....

april.08
MIRACLES ARE BOUND TO HAPPEN, AS WE PROCEED.....not ANY that I am sure of, or aware of....its just that...I want to believe in this idea. am I crazy?phlegmatic?lackadaisical?weird?????????....or is it that I have been betrayed by my own existence? my action are purified of greed, at least I think so....I try to stand tall even when the power of my justice blows me away. I'm not a good writer, nor have I the power to motivate and mutilate the minds of people like mark antony had, had. I am no superstar. not even a significant character. but I always satiate myself by posing myself as a multiplex of talents,and queen of confidence...infrnt of this world, whereas, I am no good than any other ordinary teenager! burdened down with heavy tricks of life, called problems...!TRAUMATIZED? am I?...or is it just a pseudo appearance,I put up...to gain sympathy in the eyes of other fellow sapiens?....well, can I be frank and truthful 4 once?...I've been bluffing, since I started writing this nonsense regarding -my life and 'mere' existence.
I KNOW AM DIFFERENT. I've been made 2 believe this...I know every child is special, but I am indeed WEIRD ND FAR AWAY 4M BEING ORDINARY. believe me. I love my life-and cant b depressed over sum incident which has brushed its 'forehead' against mine.I want 2 live life,BREATHE life!....I know cant b freed 4m this jinxed phenomena called life...NOR IS IT, THAT I WANT 2 B!

I have played the falling-in-love-game to many times....in my 16 yrs of life. not once have I been betrayed in this game...will I be?....GOD, if u do exists...let me not fall in love with the person who would betray me, I Would never be able 2 stand the pain. I never, wanted to walk away 4m any of them...but their actions...4cd me 2 go thru a chain of reactions, and prepared me 2 walk alone.CRAP. what crap-am I talking?....spare me. I cud and WOULD stand that pain. I haven't done anything wrong.1stly "his" attitude and glatitude-drove me away!2ndly-"his" over possessiveness, and inclination towards a physical relationship murdered my power of justice.3rdly"his" family's involvement in our relation was a joke and everything he did and said, made me realize that NOTHING WAS JUST RIGHT>and THEY, just dint satisfy...even half of what I WANTED THERE 2 BE WITHIN" HIM">D PERFECT 1!.......I OWE an apology 2 all of them...all of them...coz its not there fault that they fell in love with me...but its my fault,2 make them feel, as if they were in d pinnacle of glory, and my love was d ultimate elixir of life!

HERE I stand, knee deep in sum kind of weird mess, trying 2 convince myself, that I hate him. yes I do.....but still somewhere I love him...and I know that I WILL love him all my life,coz god has handed me d responsibility 2 take care of him." my heart is like an open book,4 d whole world 2 read"....people, are entitled 2 love, solution 2 a perfect life, and care --if I am present in their lives...even if ,its 4 a short span of time." who knows where d road goes, where d day flows"....its all so true...I mean, look at this...i've felt his pain,as if it were mine,fought his soltitude.cherished his nostalgias of the past.even,picked his path.yet i always forced myself to runaway,alone.faraway from him.yet,i couldn't....I so totally hate him...still I feel him, lingering over me, like an unblemished shadow.......whenever I rest on him, I feel him entangling me in a mesh of security n promising love which just, cannot b extinguish or put off....I just want him 2 b there 4 me...2 make me feel better, when I feel stranded, when the door 2 happiness is locked and d key is buried inside d core of an unknown mystery. I need him 2 hold me...when I am away 4m d shore...and near 2 sinking. I need him 2 shake me. and tell me what 2 do when I cant c thru d haze around me." she will be loved"-that's all that reflects our fabricated memories of togetherness..........patience is all that we need." crying when I met u...trying 2 4get u-love is a sweet misery. I was crying jus 2 get you, now I'm dying coz I let you, do what u want2 do down on me">>>that's how, he kick-started a wild passion which was hard 2 tame!...."that kind of love was of killing kind. all I want is sum1 I cant resist..."...this song, so totally described "HIS" condition.......until one fine day, it became "OUR" condition." there is not much breathing room, between pleasure and pain...yeah I cry when we r making love...."......we r d partners in crime...d devil was in our kiss......and alas we couldn't resist...........I WASN'T GUILTY AFTER DAT EVENING, WHEN I BROKE DOWN ON HIM, AMIDST D DUSTY STORM. it was an aromatic mixture o pleasure and pain...when our arms closed around us, trapping us in an undefined unbroken bond of SWEET MISERY. and den when he kissed me, it wasn't exactly a kiss though,coz he was holding me tightly as he brushed his lips against mine, unexpectedly...and "certainly"-unknowingly!....he passes d message 2 me, every time we touch..."when everything's meant 2 b broken, I just want u 2 know who I am".....all I can do is 2 assure him with an "answering" look...that I am there 4 him as well.

STILL----sometimes I just want2 run away from him........faraway....n never come back .coz,i feel...there's no1 in this planet who will b d perfect 1 4 me......but still, I'm in d hope of creating my perfect love, rather than searching 4 him........when the light is so bleak...I just, need sum1 2 hold me right now...n plant a kiss on my lips, a mere light kiss*...

MY age guides me that I am right, and I was never and will never be ready 2 back down n defy a challenge! sometimes I am nothing but an obsolete person whom I myself don’t know, and ‘am not able to understand. May be, the blame goes to my age, my aura but I am entangled in my own web,circumnavigating my own mind. Gosh! The way I reflect bout my life is becoming difficult. I don't want to be back in that state, when I had dared 2 fall in love, so I have bashed my stact and yet I am giving way 2 d same old, odd feelings, again. life's a journey not a destination, and we meet different people...whose different charismatic features, wins over us and makes us feel pacified with sum talks and compliments. I take, some time, of...and recall about my past relations, but now.....I play games, I don't know.i have analyzed it,all. and YES, its sum1 I always avoid, the one, I was once angry upon has brought back relief in my veins, for no original power is left in me. I pray, thee......if there is someone, anyone who is divine-guide me, and make me clear in mind and yet again guide me 2 something u like, just 2 give me satisfaction, because salvation, I know, its too much 2 ask for.

MY past relations has burnt and burnt me, with full throttle that itself has never ever thought!!!!I try hard and harder...but I am weak. Seeing this world,
I don’t know why I care bout some, the ones I'd never ever paid attention 2 or even better, I have never ever thought about. I don’t know again, If I am mad, Or mad is this world, But the motive behind everything, Appears the same. happiness? its a mere illusion. And pain? being stuck in this jungle Jim of life, When life itself, Is still lost in smoke pain is a feeling that takes charge of or mind! How one finds out someone, Among these woods, To share the truths, and yet Lie to that" someone", still???!all the feelings flush over my brow, the emotions all appear 2 me as same, running alongside my name.i don't know where I am going 2 find, my that,"some1".i am entitled 2 all d choices....but it was 2oo far 4 me 2 judge n trust my feelings. I don't know again, if I am the fool trying 2 play it cool when a shockwave manages 2 throw me off guard! but still I know one thing. I WILL WAIT ND WAIT ND WAIT. AND ITS A PROMISE not 2 ne1 but my very own. and my WAIT will come 2 b very true sometime, when the pitch blackness of night would b conquered by the dreams of a considerable dreamer.....BUT,but "you" will, still be the guy in jean's jacket,who will come and drape his jacket,over my shoulders when i'll be unable to breathe the cold,anymore....and even if, there's nothing that can be done,i'll know...this relation shall remain in this poisoned world.


> lapse of reason,no offence,meant to any1!